I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
