Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize