When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
