i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just made my gag reflex go away.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
