So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
