You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
