after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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