I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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