Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
