Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
