Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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