My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize