Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
