I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
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