I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
