I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
