I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
