She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
