did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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