Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
