um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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