someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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