I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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