He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
