Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We are all done wearing pants today
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
