The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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