It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
