My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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