Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
