Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
