I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
