after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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