My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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