just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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