Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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