dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
