i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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