Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
