I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
