Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
