My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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