At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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