you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
