I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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