I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
