The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
