I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
