Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
