if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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