I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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