sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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