i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
