They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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