i think my tv is drunk
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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