i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
