It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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