I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize