he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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