just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
