Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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