Welp...herpes.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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