I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
