His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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